Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Frank Dieselwang vs. the Buxom Brick Boulderer

[Switching to a different one shots for now, while I try to regain my inspiration for So Sous Me, please let me know if you rather I finish that one!]

At the time when most decent people were asleep, Frank Dieselwang bore his 8 back abdominals out in the starkly dark moonlight, his muscular curvatures glinting like quartz crystals in a mine with subpar light, which is to say somewhat dimly but more than you’d expect things to gleam in the night.
Bricks, originally taken by Marc Falardeau

It was the witching hour, and most decent sorts were safely tucked away, but Frank was up. Even though Frank was a decent man, because the author used the word “most” and not “all” this is not necessarily a contradiction. 

Balanced on the balls of his feet, he clung with peak human concentration to the top of the roof of the Tennis Ball Gatherers Society (TBGS), which wasn’t really relevant except it was the roof upon which the Buxom Brick Boulderer, legendary cat burglar who bouldered, was also standing. She, a female presenting cat burglar, eyed him back and her eyes shone with starlight. Her hair stood on end as this … this man stood across from her, challenging her superiority.

“You don’t have to do this!” He said, as the camera panned to her eyes eventually, but the camera started on her big breasts, which is why the adjective buxom was prefixed onto her criminal name (her regular name was Mildred Fox). He said this because the author knows that while a male hero is fully justified in beating down male enemies, must find female gendered criminals (especially attractive ones) sympathetic for the most part and give them reasons to atone.

“Never, you, stupid man!” She said, currently the least clicheed thing the author could think of a woman saying. With that she flicked her fingers, causing retractable wings to snap into place from her utility packpurse strapped to her back and she sped off into the night with the speed of a brick being thrown at a pretty decent speed by a strong person.

Frank clenched his jaw, the definition and veins, and uttered a vow to bring the Buxom Brick Boulderer to justice, whispered a prayer to the laws of Physics. He charged edge and began a leap against all odds that he’d catch her and bring them both to safety but in such a way that she would be caught and he would be in control upon landing and neither of them would die.

His toes flicked as he just cleared the roof into the side of the building, causing spiderweb cracks to blister into the stone surface as two sonic booms, one for each of his feet blasted him into her gliding form at rapid speed in a straight line which might be impossible.

As his body overtook her, he wrapped his arms around her, crushing her wings with his majestically defined biceps, and bringing her torso to his. While he did not touch her “sensitive ladyparts” with his grip because he is a considerate man, her breasts nonetheless due to their really awesome size pressed into his chest, tantalizingly highlit by the camera angle tailor targeted for men.

As their angle of descent turned downward dangerously, the Buxom Brick Boulderer clenched her eyes at their apparent death, cursing that her lot in life would end like this. “Just let me live, God, and I swear that I’ll live a life of justice for now on,” and she actually meant it, but she’s kind of an unreliable narrator so maybe that won’t work out so well.

As they passed a large but sustainably grown tree, Frank roared and punched it with the force of fifty walruses charging into a beached clam truck, splintering it and slowing their descent. He landed smoothly, now inexplicably holding the Buxom Brick Boulderer in a fireman’s carry.

“I’ll hold you to that promise.” He said as he looked into her eyes, holding her gaze. She pouted, and looked up at him, but nodded, once.

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