Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Frank Dieselwang Battles Reiters Bloch!

It’s not as though Frank intended to let his writer fail to document his greatness, as he mused looking through the fourth wall, but it’s more a collective failure of things. Even the greatest of men, Frank Dieselwang, has to rest and recover sometimes. Self care is important, he noted to himself with a growing sense of sincerity that could give Mary Poppins a run for her money. Yes, that’s it, thought Frank Dieselwang who was definitely not just thinking what the author was thinking at the particular moment in a fit of self insertion.

As Frank mulled this over, suddenly there was a knock on the door. Frank opened it and with ultra natural quickness and mental acuity, noticed a gun barrel barely dodged a gunshot from the gun barrel that was aimed at the position his head formerly occupied. The gun was held by his nemesis, Reiters Bloch!

“Reiters Bloch! My strongest of foes!”

“Yes it is I, Reiters Bloch!” Reiters Bloch cackled at first and then trailed off into silence, staring down Frank. Frank stared back at Bloch, mirroring his silence. 

Time passed. Frank grew restless, and lulled into Reiters Bloch’s pace. The pace of nothing at all. The pace of despondency that one gets when someone writes something really heartfelt, puts it online and receives no likes, favorites, or +1s. But a feeling, deep within Frank, one of his largest muscles, began to beat. 

It was probably his bicep, the writer doesn’t have an anatomy degree after all. With the beating of the bicep, Frank focused within and knew he had to continue to fight instead o laying down to take a wonderful nap, as appealing as that was. Frank roared and got ready to punch the living daylights out of Reiters Bloch. But Reiters wasn’t there. Frank looked down at the doorstep. There was a note, with no return address, because notes don’t have return addresses.

It said “Watch yourself. Or I’ll be back.”

Frank grimly looked at the note, then tacked it to his refrigerator. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

Frank Dieselwang and the Boogie Monster (at night)

It was a dark and nightly night, the night that bespoke of how nightish it was. It was the kind of night that if a person were to walk out into the time of night, they would remark on how the quality of the night were particularly pronounced, more than usual, which is to say a lot. Frank Dieselwang was out on this night, and to display that he was as much a human as you or I, he said these words as well.

“The quality of the night is particularly pronounced tonight,” he said, just to illustrate the point once more.

The moon shone brightly, as bright as something that is worth remarking upon, but we’ve already beaten that joke to death already, so, yeah, don’t worry about it.

On this nightly night, Frank was walking about unafraid, fully cognizant of his male privilege which allowed him to do so, as well as his muscles privilege, of which he had tremendous amounts for which he could actually defend himself if the need arose and he hoped it would not because violence can be a bad thing sometimes when used indiscriminately, but it will be ok as long as the author makes it clear it is ok. 

Suddenly a boogie monster jumped out of the nearby bush and made a threatening motion. 

Frank stopped and stared it down and said “Hey buddy, watch out!”

The boogie monster stopped and said “Oh sorry I didn’t think anyone was out at this time of night.”

Frank said, “It’s ok, just watch where your going with your keen night vision.” Frank knew this because he was a noted boogie monsterologist, and he knew this one was generally nonviolent but certain individuals were careless.

The boogie monster grumbled off into the forest, taking care to watch where it was going.

Just another day (well, actually night) in the life of Frank Dieselwang.